The North Face Rant.

You ever seen those people wearing North Faces? Well, not actually North Faces. I supposed I should call them by their actual name since no one seems to do that anyways. North Face Denali. They're those fleece jackets that are supposedly really warm. Polartec 300 fleece or whatever. Highest warmth-to-weight ratio. They're also really expensive, retailing at about $165.

So my problem isn't with the jackets themselves, it's more with the people who wear them. The way they respond to you when you ask them why would you even considering buying a Denali.

"Oh, because it's really warm."

These are the people who wear these Denalis as winter coats. The North Face intended these jackets as soft shell jackets, to be worn INSIDE another outer layer. Clearly skiiers and snowboarders who wear these things are excused from this post. So these are the same people wearing these jackets outside on a winter day, complaining about how cold it is when the wind picks up. Can you blame these folks? They spent good money to buy some millimeter-thick fabric to cover their torsos. Honestly, how is a jacket that students wear indoors all day going to be warm enough outside. I don't care about this supposedly high warm-to-weight ratio, especially when it barely weighs anything.

No one needs to suffer and pay such a price for "style," which in this case involves some baggy-ass fabric pulled together with some giant nylon panels. Oh, and don't forget that logo on the back. Right around the northeast face. Ha-ha.

So let me break this down into sections. You've heard these points. You've seen these jackets before. But there are varying levels of atrocity in how these things are worn. First we start off with...

Black. Classy? Classic? Far from it. This is for everyone trying to fit in, who thinks that blowing $165 on a jacket will make s/he popular. Spending money on popularity is a time-honored concept, but it does not work here. But if you manage to get this thing for, say, 20 bucks, I greatly applaud your skills. Black. For posers. For the herd. Which leads me to...

Brown. Brown is the new black? No! Brown is United Parcel Service. Recently, people have been eschewing black in favor of these brown jackets, perhaps because they realize how idiotic they look when everyone else is wearing these things. Mad props you brown Denali wearers.

Now we descend further. Blue and Gray, these two are tied. Gray seems second to black right now in terms of popularity, at least until brown prevails some day and takes over both. Gray: can you say raccoon. Don't even get me started with blue. The fact that it is blue fleece makes it completely unwearable with jeans. Blue fleece with blue denim? That's like wearing nonmatching blacks! Ew, gross. Which brings us to...

The reject pile. I'm talking about Indian Red and Taupe Green. I think that's what they are. Putrid. You got these off the clearance rack. We know. But who's to say you have some sort of inferiority complex? Don't the people wearing the black ones have that too? See? You'll fit in justtt finee with all the rest of them.

There's also whites, and baby blues, and possibly limited edition colors that I don't even know about. But I think I've covered a decent amount here in my time with you. I must add that many of these colors come in children's sizes. So again, if you're of the money-saving persuasion, get one of those in some kid's XL size or whatever. No one will be able to tell, I promise you that.

And this one goes out to the ladies: For a limited time (not really) you can add $15 and upgrade your ratty old Denali into a Denali Thermal. It's a lot more rugged because it costs $180. It's also because it looks like a rug.

But the hit parade continues! How could I possibly forget those other jackets?!

North Face Khumbu: Yeah these cost 80 bucks. Sort of like getting an ugly red or green Denali. But you look like an idiot still because you couldn't find the better product at a clearance price.

North Face Apex Bionic: You wear these because you realize they fit better and look nicer. Hey, what's not to love at $130? Hollister Co. has taught you well on how to get the right fit.

Hey I'm not the first to notice this horrible fashion trend. Just giving my take.

And all you people who think I'm just hating and don't understand because I've never actually worn one and they actually are warm and no one buys them to conform, screw you. I'm not bitter. I'm bittersweet. Bittersweet brown, that is. Hell yeah I have a North Face jacket. But not one of these Denalis, or their soft shell counterparts. Mine is down. And nice. And also Icy Blue colored too. So don't call me bitter and angry at the world. I'm pretty icy. Chill, actually. Free country. Wear your Uggs too with the spandex. If you're a girl, clearly. Despite your poor fashion decisions, some of you still manage to be attractive. Fellas, you're on your own.